I don’t need to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist to know that I’m crazy. I already know I am a raving lunatic. First off, there is a history of mental illness (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, autism, etc.) in my family and second, I understand the brain and know myself well enough to honestly realize that I got problems. I consider it both a curse and a blessing.
It is a curse because, in its worst incarnations, mental illness is devastating. I am one of the more fortunate ones in that my condition is not as pronounced or as debilitating as it has been with some of my relatives. I can lead a quasi-normal life and make a living, even if I find it to be a royal pain in the ass. It’s hard for me to lead a normal life because I find it excruciatingly boring. My mind is always busy with things that have nothing to do with what I am supposed to be busy with at the moment. As a result, I tend to be distracted and I often miss important details about what is going on around me. Needless to say, this constant daydreaming can be disastrous at times but I can’t seem to shake it.
Sometimes I feel like the protagonist in Robert Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land. For some reason, I got an insatiable desire to grok things. I feel blessed because it can sometimes lead to powerful insights. If I am interested in a subject, I will continually think about it and research it and I will not rest until I fully understand it. I keep mental notes of things that I don’t yet understand and I make it a point to think about them as often as I can. So if I figure certain things out, it’s not because I am smarter than anyone else, but because I meditate on them a lot longer than most people.
I Think About Strange and Crazy Things All the Time
My natural inclination to grok the world around me forces me to examine the foundational aspects of everything. I continually ask myself questions about the extreme fundamental underpinnings of reality. For example, I’ve been trying to understand why any given property of a particle (e.g., mass, energy, position or orientation) is what it is. I ask myself questions like, why does the mass (body) of a particle act like mass and not like kinetic energy? Or, using my seraphim terminology (see links below), what makes a wing a wing and not a face or a body? These are things that normal people never think about but I do. Why? Because I'm crazy.
Having long ago concluded that everything is necessarily made of nothing (otherwise, you run into an infinite regress) and that all particles and their properties sum up to nothing (a yin-yang universe), a new mystery immediately arose. There was no doubt in my mind that creation consists of separating opposite things out of nothing but I could not honestly accept the proposition that a property can mean something as opposed to some other thing while being nothing at the same time. After all, how can nothing be a property? It didn’t make any sense and the contradiction was driving me nuts (ha ha). So I kept thinking about it.
Eventually it grabbed me that one nothing is not enough to explain reality. The physical can have no meaning in and of itself. For anything to make sense, something else is required. I concluded that the materialists were wrong from the start: There is a yin-yang material realm for substance and there is another yin-yang realm for meaning. The two are opposite and complementary. It follows that particles and their properties have no meaning unless something gives them meaning. The meaning of physical properties is necessarily governed by something else. This is clearly indicated by the metaphor of the throne in John’s occult little book:
Before the throne there was a sea of glass, like crystal. And in the midst of the throne, and around the throne, were four living creatures full of eyes in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second living creature like a calf, the third living creature had a face like a man, and the fourth living creature was like a flying eagle. The four living creatures, each having six wings, were full of eyes around and within.
In other words, the throne represents the realm of meaning, i.e., the realm that governs meaning for the sea of glass and the four living creatures. Of course, there were other thrones in John's vision_24 to be exact_but that's another story. Now that you know the extent of my craziness, whether or not you want to take my writings seriously is up to you. I am OK either way but I would be a little bit more careful about it if I were you. Don't trust what I say unless it makes sense to you. Oh, I almost forgot. Did I ever mention that I sometimes use pot to expand my thinking? Well, now you know. I am not only crazy, I'm also a pothead. ahahaha...
Nasty Little Truth About Matter
Physics: The Problem With Motion
Understanding the Lattice